I recently left a chapter of transition in my life. I left my job, the city I lived in, and a lot of baggage behind. It was a beautiful move. I’m so very happy and feeling settled…It reminded me of my gift of goodbye! I talked about my gift of goodbye a couple years ago, before I began to blog, and as I read it today, nothing has changed. I still have the gift of goodbye and I always will. Incase you haven’t read it, I wanted to share it with you & if you have read it, I hope that you either get something new from it or let it refresh you on the beauty in goodbye.
Wednesday, March 31, 2011
out of the blue, one cold night, many moons ago…someone once told me i had the gift of goodbye. ok…it wasn’t THAT long ago, it was in undergrad and the diagnosis wasn’t THAT random. i had just survived a string of break-ups, one with a very close friend and another with a serious boyfriend. and as i sat in my friend’s room, looking for support and all the right words, she told me…”you have the gift of goodbye.” she said i was able to just walk away from someone or something with out thinking twice. i was hurt by this diagnosis…what kind of gift is being able to say goodbye?! of all the gifts god gives, this….is what i get?! how is “goodbye” a gift, more like a curse! i had the “curse of goodbye!”
as i got older, i would watch myself, like an outer body experience, exercising the “curse of goodbye.” one serious boyfriend after another, dwindling down my gaggle of friends to a tiny circle, till i was left with few. that dam curse! where did it come from? was it nature or nurture? was i cold and numb, void of feeling? was this a reflection of my absentee father, my indirect way of re-creating the isolation i felt growing up as halfie among the the pale faces? was it a protection method? as you can tell, i’m extremely self-aware and analytical (and slightly sarcastic). my experience and education as a social worker has me constantly keeping tabs on my issues as not to project, so i’m always self-evaluating and re-self-evaluating. as i turned 30, i acknowledged what was always there, what was diagnosed in that tiny dorm room by someone who really did know me, who knew my heart was genuine and strived for one thing only, happiness; i had the “gift of goodbye.”
some may think that this gift is painful or sad, but in all honesty, its the most freeing of all my god-given gifts. and like any other gift, the more i exercise it, the more perfected the gift becomes. its now so easy to read the gift. its a feeling, i trust myself and my gift. this isn’t a feeling based in fear; the fear of pain, loss, or the unknown. this is a gift. a gift based in happiness. i am in a devout search for happiness. i am striving to be the happiest, purest expression of love i can be. life is so very short, when i’m with someone or doing something, i ask myself, if i died in 2 hours, would i be happy with how i spent my last moments. the answer is so telling of how i really feel about what i’m doing in life. when i say goodbye to someone, something, or some feeling, i am not only saying goodbye, i am also saying hello! Hello to the opportunity for a higher level of happiness. i know its out there and i know its meant for me. i must have faith it exists, be strong enough to look for it, and believe i deserve it….and i do, i am, i do!
and so everyday i’m exercising my gift. everyday i say goodbye to someone who isn’t the best for me anymore, or to a situation that isn’t the best for me anymore, or to a feeling that isn’t best for me anymore. there is no sadness, no pain, no love lost, no anger harbored, no ill-wishes wished. just goodbye. and hello. and so when i see myself today, i no longer question my gift and i no longer see a few friends and love ones. i see how blessed i am and i see the chosen few. the chosen few who continue to provide me with the highest level of happiness.
so today i say goodbye, and as always its bittersweet. and today i say hello, and as always its beautiful. cheers to my gift.
my cup runneth over…it always does!