The girl is mine for the next two weeks & this is how she kicked it off, gross.

Maddy is my niece and she has always been my girl. Four of my brothers have children, but we since we didn’t grow up together, I’ve only recently had the opportunity to be in their children’s lives. But, I was there the day the girl was born, and 11 years ago, she changed my life. She opened my heart in ways I didn’t know that I needed or wanted. I never wanted kids… and then I met her.

There is no other time in life where I was in the position to spend a summer break with her, so I called my sister and asked if I could have for a month. She said, “No… you’ll kill her. You can have her for two weeks” Here we are, SLUMBER PARTY!!!

I am not gonna lie. I have been back and forth about kids for a while now. When you lose a chance… or two… to have one, it quickly puts things into perspective, and you almost obsess over the need/desire to have one. But, as I heal and get back to me… my new normal, I find myself questioning, “Do I really do want children?”

It’s complex. I question if fear is holding me back or if I really am having an honest moment with myself, and maybe it’s others who are afraid for me. They’re afraid I’m going to miss this window or miss out all together, and so they insist that of course I want kids. Duh, I’m so good with them and they look so good on me! Like either of those things are reason enough to have kids…

So, as I wake up, not even that early mind you, and have my time hijacked by all things her (at my request of course:), the anxiety kicks in…

How do I entertain her all day, and when do I entertain me? What exactly does she mean that she doesn’t eat vegetables, does asparagus count? I need to get a toaster bc she eats toast. Is macaroni & hot chocolate ok for breakfast? How in F*!ck do moms do this, with jobs and lives. Can I even do this?

We’re starting with a schedule, for her sake because she asks a lot, like a lot, of questions about when & where; and for my sake because I ‘m a free spirit who needs some structure. I’m going to journal and document, for keepsake and self-care purposes. And, I’m going to do my best to be in the moment, have fun, and not let my anxiety get the best of me.

Wish me luck!

xok