When I look at you, I see myself. If my eyes are unable to see you as my sister, it is because my own vision is blurred. And if that be so, then it is I who need you either because I do not understand who you are, my sister, or because I need you to help me understand who I am. // Lillian P. Benbow
Last week I shot with Jeanette, Quinn Moss. I don’t get asked to shoot a lot. Maybe I’m intimidating or maybe I come off as high-maintenance and bitchy. Hell, maybe I’m just not as cute as I think I am! So, when she reached out to me, I was hesitant to shoot. I’m not a model and I rarely enjoy the photoshoot process because I’m a perfectionist, I analyze everything, and after five good poses, I’m like “did you get what you needed?” At this point you’re probably going with my bitchy theory, I don’t blame you. But, when she spoke about the importance of investing in self and documenting one’s life, I packed up my bitchy boots and got on board.
As we nailed down details, we agreed to meet in Miami, which was perfect because Miami has always made me feel beautiful and brave. I asked about the concept because I really wanted to make sure I was able to deliver on the story she was trying to tell. See, the perfectionist in me was already rearing it’s ugly head. That’s when she told me that what she was really trying to capture was… me. She followed me on Instagram, liked my confidence and how I shared my struggles. She noticed that I carried a lot with me and she just wanted to capture my beauty and my pain. I didn’t know what to say. We go our whole lives trying to be seen. Wanting others to see us. Understand us. Appreciate us. Love us… as we are. It feels beautiful and overwhelming to be seen, for being no more than myself.
We shot on July 29th, the two year anniversary to my last miscarriage. And, I’d be lying if it wasn’t on my mind, has been on my mind… so very heavy on my heart. A hole unable to close. I don’t think anyone knew that I needed to escape, needed to be near the water, but I knew. And, as I wandered the property where we were shooting, I was drawn to this small, pale pink house. So delicate and calling to me.
As I stood on the porch, I felt the weight of all the ways I have been broken by this world… by my own body.
And, when I saw I these behind the scenes shots, I saw myself. Hurt, broken, disappointed, confused, yet strong, healing, fighting, surviving, beautiful, and seen.