Fighting the Fear, Pregnancy After Miscarriage

So, you may have heard the good news… If not, check this out

That’s right, I’m knocked up!! We are over the moon, crazypants excited that we are pregnant. If you have been following my story, then you know what a journey this has been, and what a really special this moment is. If you’re new to my story, let me catch you up.

I have been going back and forth about whether or not I wanted kids, for the past two years, since my last miscarriage. I suffered my first miscarriage in 2011, and my second in 2014. And each time, I have fought my way back to a new normal. I advocate for women to not be silent in their grief and I have shared my experiences here, here, here, and there’s lots more if you scroll through the hashtag #halfietruths. I think there is healing in sharing our experiences, in speaking our truths; and not just for you, but for countless other women who are struggling to heal but can’t find their own words.

We decided back in August that we would try again…

Some doors you close
Some doors you hope open
And some doors, you gotta kick down, walk through, and commit to loving yourself through whatever is on the other side.

And we did just that in September, when we visited the Valle dei Templi in Agrigento, Sicily. Couples come to the Hera/Juno temple, dedicated to marriage & childbirth, to join right hands and ask for favor. The husband ties a belt around the woman’s waist (literally tying the knot) and then they return pregnant to give thanks.

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Looks like we need to plan a return trip to Sicily!

Here we are, 9 weeks pregnant! I know that most people don’t announce their pregnancy this early, as we are taught to keep it a secret until it’s safe. But, safe for who? If I’ve learned anything from my experiences and the ones you so graciously share with me, is that safety is an illusion. Honestly, anything can happen during pregnancy. I have read countless stories, heartbreaking stories, of losses similar to mine, losses that happened in the third trimester, or even during birth. I’m not trying to scare you, but hoping to shed light on the fact that there is nothing safe about hiding your joy or hiding your pain, god forbid loss happen to you. I’m not saying you have to share your news with the world, but share the news with your family, your friends, your people, your tribe! Sharing your news means an abundance of love being sent your way, prayers said in your name, chats with the universe that are dedicated to your safety and happiness. Sharing your news creates a support system that you will need no matter what life and this pregnancy brings your way.

tribe

For women who have miscarried, ttc (trying to conceive) is scary and exhausting. Each month you gamble your heart and a bit of your sanity, in hopes for the ultimate win. And when you don’t win, you have 28 days (give or take) to pick up the pieces: mourn, fight the fear, regroup, and rally. And when you do win, each day you fight the fear. Every day I  wake up scared that this is the last day I will be pregnant, and I may not even know it (missed miscarriage). I wonder if my symptoms slipped away in the night, if that cramp was normal, if everything is ok… if this is really going to happen, this time. Every day, I fight the fear, regroup, and then I rally, because I must. Some days, the rally is harder than others and quieter than others, and that’s ok. This journey has definitely been a marathon and not a sprint. I’ve made it this far by celebrating big and small victories (bumpies!), a lot of netflix and chill (nothing takes your mind off of things like watching all 13 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy!), talking through my fears with my husband and tribe (wouldn’t those chats be so much better with a glass of wine… ijs), journaling, sharing my experience

Speak your truths
Let them fall from your mouth
Or forever hold them
And know no peace

and by fighting.

Thank you for the abundance of love, the prayers said in our name, the chats with the universe that were dedicated to our little family. Thank you. And, to all the women who are ttc or who have a mother’s heart, but no children to show for it, or who are both… keep fighting.

xok

Posted by

Kenya Raymer is a writer, blogger, dancer and the hostess of the natural-hair meet up Curls & Cocktails. She is a self-love enthusiast who uses her natural-hair platform as a space to discuss hair and all things beautiful & real. She is loving in Nashville, TN, where she promotes the local eats, animal rescue, self-awareness, personal growth, happiness and finding comfort in your own skin.

20 thoughts on “Fighting the Fear, Pregnancy After Miscarriage

  1. Sending you and your family so much love! I’ve been following your journey via Instagram and when you announced your pregnancy I was so damn happy! I was grinning ear to ear!I felt good that day! Keeping you guys in my positive thoughts! Love and light all the way from London, England. Kay xxxx

  2. Sending you and your family so much love!. I’ve been following your journey on Instagram for the past few years! I think you’re absolutely amazing! When I checked Instagram and saw your pregnancy announcement it brought the biggest smile to my face! I’m so happy for you both, I’m rooting for you guys! all the love and light from London, England. Kay xxx

  3. I love that you opened your heart and shared your story. I know your story is touching so many women who hope to one day wake up and have morning sickness, and be glad about it. After four years of marriage and three quite miscarriages, my husband and I were sick any where we went the same question ” When are you two going to have a baby”. Well I started telling people we didn’t want kids so they would stop asking, but then I got the stupid looks and asked why not. UGH! Other than my mom no one really knew how much I wanted to be a mom.
    Well one morning I was so sick I just knew it was the flu, couldn’t keep anything down, this went on all day. I went to the doctor the next morning, but didn’t want to miss another day of work and I felt a little better. So I let the doctor run some test ant I left and went to work before getting the results. Well my husband was working from home that day and he got the call from our doctor, doc wanted to see us both immediately!! I was scared out my mine! I meet my husband at the doctor’s in tears, I just knew I was dying! The doc with a goofy look on his face told us we were pregnant, but my blood test levels were weird. I though here we go again, but after a ultrasound, we found out there were two babies in the oven and I was already 8 weeks along. WHAT????
    So I know how you feel right now just over the moon! Well we had two huge baby boys 7lb 2oz and 7lbs 3oz, healthy and now they are 16 and driving, OMG!! We didn’t have any more children after those two human tanks, but I’m just the happiest mom in the world and I’m so happy you get to have this same feeling.
    That little baby in your belly is going to be just beautiful and you two will be an amazing mommy and daddy! Sending so much love your way!!! Sorry for going on and on!

  4. Sending you and your family so much love and prayers. I have followed your journey on ig. I was so happy to hear that you both are expecting. I believe you both will be amazing parents!!!! Congrats again!!!

  5. Thank you for this blog!! I need these words of encouragement more than you will ever know! Congrats to you both!! Sending positive vibes and prayers your way!

  6. OMG! I am so happy to hear your great news today congrats! I wish you lots of joy on your new journey. My daughter is 21 and is the best thing I have done in my life. I look forward to your shares as your journey moves along xo

  7. This right here is so beautiful! May you and your family continue to be blessed. It seems like fate that this was on my timeline today. Six years ago tomorrow while I was pregnant with my son, I began to hemorrhage. They took my into surgery where I died 3 times on the operating table. My mother had to make a choice on who they could save because is could only be one. Since I’m here today writing this, you know who she chose. 12 hours after I found out about the death of my son I was wheeled up to the hospice floor and watched my grandmother die. I believe she went to heaven to take care of my baby boy, his name is CJ. But February 4 forever changed my life. I think you’re right you just have to find a new version of normal because nothing was, nor will it be the same as before that day! I wish you a happy and healthy pregnancy, delivery and and baby! Don’t forget to plan that trip to give your thanks!!! Thank you for sharing!

  8. This is a beautiful story that I am grateful that you shared. It is such a struggle I understand and write about as well in hopes that more people become aware. Best wishes for you!

  9. I have loved following your journey and seeing all the steps you and your husband are taking. I haven’t experienced this but I’m convinced that you’re helping other people who are not only dealing with this same issue but those who do struggle with the illusion of safety as you so brilliantly put it. I was in a bad accident years ago that took the lives of two friends and I’ve recently shared in depth about my life especially in regard to mental health. As you mentioned, there is immense power in sharing your story and securing that tribe even if they are aunties and sister friends adopted through the interwebs. I am sending you all so much love and light on this journey!

  10. Thank you! Lost my first to an ectopic in December… we’ve been TTC for 8 years and had gone 3 rounds of IUI to become pregnant. Now we are 6 months out of it and I’m still struggling with the constant fear and rejection it’s so hard. Hard not to feel like I should be silent until the magic time happens for us again when I can finally have a positive happy ending…. like you said– we must not be silent through these hard times!! Thank you and good luck to you guys!!!

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