So, you may have heard the good news… If not, check this out
That’s right, I’m knocked up!! We are over the moon, crazypants excited that we are pregnant. If you have been following my story, then you know what a journey this has been, and what a really special this moment is. If you’re new to my story, let me catch you up.
I have been going back and forth about whether or not I wanted kids, for the past two years, since my last miscarriage. I suffered my first miscarriage in 2011, and my second in 2014. And each time, I have fought my way back to a new normal. I advocate for women to not be silent in their grief and I have shared my experiences here, here, here, and there’s lots more if you scroll through the hashtag #halfietruths. I think there is healing in sharing our experiences, in speaking our truths; and not just for you, but for countless other women who are struggling to heal but can’t find their own words.
We decided back in August that we would try again…
Some doors you close
Some doors you hope open
And some doors, you gotta kick down, walk through, and commit to loving yourself through whatever is on the other side.
And we did just that in September, when we visited the Valle dei Templi in Agrigento, Sicily. Couples come to the Hera/Juno temple, dedicated to marriage & childbirth, to join right hands and ask for favor. The husband ties a belt around the woman’s waist (literally tying the knot) and then they return pregnant to give thanks.
Looks like we need to plan a return trip to Sicily!
Here we are, 9 weeks pregnant! I know that most people don’t announce their pregnancy this early, as we are taught to keep it a secret until it’s safe. But, safe for who? If I’ve learned anything from my experiences and the ones you so graciously share with me, is that safety is an illusion. Honestly, anything can happen during pregnancy. I have read countless stories, heartbreaking stories, of losses similar to mine, losses that happened in the third trimester, or even during birth. I’m not trying to scare you, but hoping to shed light on the fact that there is nothing safe about hiding your joy or hiding your pain, god forbid loss happen to you. I’m not saying you have to share your news with the world, but share the news with your family, your friends, your people, your tribe! Sharing your news means an abundance of love being sent your way, prayers said in your name, chats with the universe that are dedicated to your safety and happiness. Sharing your news creates a support system that you will need no matter what life and this pregnancy brings your way.
For women who have miscarried, ttc (trying to conceive) is scary and exhausting. Each month you gamble your heart and a bit of your sanity, in hopes for the ultimate win. And when you don’t win, you have 28 days (give or take) to pick up the pieces: mourn, fight the fear, regroup, and rally. And when you do win, each day you fight the fear. Every day I wake up scared that this is the last day I will be pregnant, and I may not even know it (missed miscarriage). I wonder if my symptoms slipped away in the night, if that cramp was normal, if everything is ok… if this is really going to happen, this time. Every day, I fight the fear, regroup, and then I rally, because I must. Some days, the rally is harder than others and quieter than others, and that’s ok. This journey has definitely been a marathon and not a sprint. I’ve made it this far by celebrating big and small victories (bumpies!), a lot of netflix and chill (nothing takes your mind off of things like watching all 13 seasons of Grey’s Anatomy!), talking through my fears with my husband and tribe (wouldn’t those chats be so much better with a glass of wine… ijs), journaling, sharing my experience
Speak your truths
Let them fall from your mouth
Or forever hold them
And know no peace
and by fighting.
Thank you for the abundance of love, the prayers said in our name, the chats with the universe that were dedicated to our little family. Thank you. And, to all the women who are ttc or who have a mother’s heart, but no children to show for it, or who are both… keep fighting.