Given my history, I really thought that being pregnant was going to be the happiest time of my life. I thought each day was going to be happier than the last, that the selfies and bumpies were going to be endless, and that I would be flooding your social media with ridiculous stories of how the flowers smell even better now that I’m pregnant! So ridiculous, I’m aware. The truth, I am over the moon about being pregnant and having a baby. Every day, I’m more grateful than the last and that we have made it this far, and each day I’m asking for more… one more day, one more week, one more month, please let this be it. The magic of the moment is not lost on me.
The pregnancy itself… well, that is a different story. The hormones, compounded with some serious family drama, definitely have me living on the dark side of the moon. And, if you’ve been wondering where I’ve been, now you know. As it turns out, the dark side does not share our republicans’ staunch views on immigration and I have been welcomed with open arms. I am so evil that I have been given permanent residency with a pimped out condo and a flourishing garden of darkness. Kenya, resident evil!
Even when the symptoms are my usual and mild: can’t breathe, ever (congestion), can’t sleep, ever (bloating coupled with extremely vivid and sometimes disturbing dreams), and tired, so. so. so very tired… I still do not feel like myself and I still do not feel, happy. The smallest things set me off and I live in that space of rage for longer than I care to admit and for longer than I want to. Pregnant Kenya (aka resident evil) is mean and mad. So. so. so damn mad.
I thought that I would be this annoyingly happy asshole
Nope, just an asshole…
I have been joking since the day I knew that I was knocked up, I am experiencing high levels of pregnancy rage today (everyday) people! I am talking about an anger that escalates to blackout status within seconds. I am experiencing an anger that turns every moment into an episode of Love and Hip Hop. Turns out, I am not alone and that pregnancy rage is real. So real that it has it’s own hashtag #pregnancyrageisreal.
I’m no angel, by any means! You could take one look at my Instagram stories and know that your girl has a soft spot for a nasty rant, but in general, I am a happy person. I like to make other people happy and I like to annoy people by sharing how ridiculously happy I am! Wait, that might be evil… either way, it really makes me happy and I want to do it again. I want to be happy again. Not only do I no longer want to be a victim (who leaves a string of victims… yikes!) of pregnancy rage because it doesn’t feel good, I also don’t want to experience any of the very real side effects of pregnancy rage: premature birth, a problematic birth, low birth weight, or infant mortality.
So, I have taken my own advice: take care of you. And, the first thing I did was cut off people who were making me unhappy. Yes, even family. If you have been around for a while you know that I view all relationships the same. Familial, romantic, platonic, and professional relationships are all treated the same, and anyone can get it. If you are keeping me from my goal of Happy, then I have no choice but to exercise my gift of goodbye and keep it moving. The second thing I did was remove myself from Instagram.
Drastic, I know! I am in week 3 of my Instagram sabbatical, and I am loving it. Many have linked my social media disappearance to something awful happening to me or the baby, but that’s not the case at all. Baby Raymer and I are doing great, we have an official bump, and I think this week s/he started to hear dear mother curse with the best of them! James is still nesting hard AF and Walli is enjoying the small bursts of winter. Minus my everyday acts of evil, my little family is still pretty dreamy and overall, my life is still pretty fucking amazing.
Social media can be a wonderful place, where people find their voice, where strangers connect, and where people see a bit of themselves in others and then maybe they don’t feel so alone. It can also be a place where we find inspiration and strength from identifying with someone else’s journey or where we find new friendship or maybe even a partner for life! Social media is a place where anything is possible.
All of this rings true for me, and is largely how I’ve built my following. The journey of gaining a large following on Instagram has been a crazy but truly rewarding experience, and on most days I am consumed with gratitude and I love it. But, I would be lying if I didn’t admit there are days and sometimes weeks, where I need a break from the unsolicited advice and opinions, the requests for more information than is already being over-shared, and the overwhelming lack of boundaries. I know, such is the nature of social media and it has been something that I have been wildly successful at managing. Unfortunately, the nature of social media is no match for the pregnant beast that I have become, and so I left before I dropped a diss track colder than shETHER, in my comments. I will be back to IG when I am back to an attitude of gratitude and I can play nice with others.
The last thing I forced myself to do, was move past the fear and start nesting. I haven’t wanted to baby shop, journal, or prepare in any way, out of fear that all those things would become physical reminders should a worst case scenario become real. I ended up purchasing some gender-neutral onesies and everything else became much easier. I started to fill in the baby book my Rosie sent, I created a registry and even put a couple of items on it, I began journaling this week, and now I’m creating hella playlists! I am currently prepared with a PUSH soundtrack, lullabies, and songs that are 100% guaranteed to make me cry.
I don’t think any or all of this will totally rid me of pregnancy rage. It couldn’t possibly… hello, I’m a walking sack of hormones!
But, it is helping me manage them and it is making apologizing become something I do less than pee… a victory I will gladly take. If you’re experiencing pregnancy rage, you’re not crazy. Well, you kinda are, but you are not alone!
- Take a moment, to pee, and then identify your triggers and create real ways to avoid them.
- Make sure you are getting enough sleep. I once tried to convince my husband that I really needed to exercise my 2nd amendment right, but I really just needed a nap.
- Find at least three go to meals that don’t make you want to vomit, roll your eyes, or throw shit. And when you get a burst of energy, meal prep them! This will help prevent any homicides, in and around your home.
- Drink the water. I know, it’s hard because you can’t stop peeing, but the water will help manage symptoms like headaches and cramps, which escalate moments of irritation. You know, like when your partner is breathing.
- Find a soothing activity and do it for as long as you can. You could journal, listen to music, or even create a purge list. I’m talking about a list of people… that you would gladly murder. #Wooosah
- And if none of this is working, talk to your doctor and get some help. Your mental health is as important to baby as your physical health. Make it a priority and take care of you.