August 26, 2017 // 39w

I know this looks a lot like the same shot I posted a couple weeks ago, but if you look closely, you will notice it’s changed in small ways. It has slowly been filled with sweet notions that represent myself, James, our hopes of who she will be + hopefully inspiration for whoever she will be.

This sweet ass nursery is a lot like me + the holes I’ve been filling over the past 6 years. From a snapshot, I bet I look the same, but I’ve slowly been filling the holes that loss has left behind, with love for myself, love for James, hopes of the mother I plan to be + inspiration for the mother I will be. It’s been a marathon, not a sprint, to this space that looks the same from the outside, but feels so very different on the inside.

I’m grateful I took the time to unpack the pieces of my grief. It has left space for so much love, this child + this sweet ass nursery. And even though we may look the same on the outside, we will never be the same on the inside. I don’t think we ever fully heal from the loss of babies + the dreams that come with them; but I do think that time allows us to fill with love + learn how to carry the load lighter.

No matter what the other side of your journey looks like, may your holes be filling with love, may your days be brighter + may you feel different on the inside. xok

August 23, 2017 // 38w 4d

I REALLLLLLLLY wanted her to come yesterday on that new moon, but I knew she wasn’t. I’m having a Virgo + as much as I hoped for a Leo, I’ve always known she’d be a Virgo bc that is where my lessons lie… and that’s how this works boys + girls.

The universe doesn’t give you what you want. It gives you what you need. And as much as I do not, I repeat DO NOT want a Virgo, I’m sure she is being sent to teach me a thing or two about patience, practicality, tolerance, forgiveness, kindness, and a whole bunch of other shit I have zero interest in!

My mother is a Virgo + it took me damn near 30 years to appreciate her genuine kindness to everyone, the ability to forgive + all those other traits I have zero use for. As a Scorpio, I don’t envy any of those traits, as I much prefer to go by my gut, keep people at a distance + keep my enemies marinating over the hottest of fires. But, I know that I will need both her kindness + forgiveness in battles that are sure to come. This little girl is being sent here to soften my heart + to be a tiny voice of reason… and I hate every bit of it.

She will be a peacemaker + a peacekeeper, and I’m not gonna lie, I was hoping for an unapologetic fighter. But, her shenanigans in the womb (see my story) let me know there’s some fight in her for sure! Now, will she fight the way I want her too + for the things I think she should be fighting for… absofuckinglutly not! But, I’m sure she will be a fighter, even if it’s just against me. And, for all these things, I’m grateful. Terrified… but grateful💚

August 19, 2017 // 38w

38 weeks. Still knocked up + in the midst of the feels

August 18, 2017 // 37w 6d

Grateful for this very beautiful life

We’re taking a break from decorating the nursery. Well, I’m decorating + he is trying to see how many socks, stuffed llamas, and hair bows he can fit in his mouth. I can’t believe that I used to hate this house. I hated the idea of it + how long it was taking to be built, but most of all, I hated the fucking nursery.

We got pregnant in June 2014 + my husband bought this house like the week after we found out… bc our baby needed a yard + that’s just what he does. We postponed the planning of our not so big, fat, Italian wedding as the baby became the plan + then the plan changed again when we lost the baby in late July. So, there we were… No wedding. No baby. Just this big ass house that was being built… with a nursery.

We eventually started planning the wedding again + got married June 2015, a year after the loss. We were supposed to come back to our new house, fully equipped with a backyard + nursery, but you know building houses is much like life + it never goes as planned. I was fine with the delays bc this house came with lots of expectations… When you have a nursery, everyone wants to know when you are going to fill it. And when you’ve lost a baby, sometimes that answer is, never.

My husband kept offering to sell the house, but I didn’t want to make a decision out of fear + it also went against my policy to stay open, even when life has you in the dark. So we moved in, April 2016, and I did fill the nursery… I filled it with so much shit + then I closed the door. It became storage + it was like it didn’t even exist.

Now… I can’t stay out of there. It’s my favorite room, in a house I adore, and it just so happens to gets the best light. I’m so grateful that I stayed open + learned to move through the dark bc I would have hated to miss on this very beautiful life + this sweet ass little nursery that I can’t wait to share with you

August 17, 2017 // 37w 5d

PUSH Gift!!! Thank you papas for this beauty!

 August 16, 2017 // 37w 4d

In our new space, resting + nesting, while trying to hold on + let go, at the same time

No #rainbowbabyraymer yet. We had our weekly check up yesterday, nothing has changed (still 1cm dilated + 50% effaced, I told you this could go on for weeks) + in fact I think she told Dr. Crowe that she’d be coming when she was good + ready, and to worry bout herself!

Although I’m not sleeping, like at all + yesterday was a hot mess filled with meltdown after meltdown, we’re in no rush. It’s giving us time to complete the nursery (of course we will show you when it’s all done) + to cry over every possible last…
This could be the last time I’ll eat at Mas Tacos…
This could be the last time I’ll walk Walli…
This could be the last time I’ll wash my hair… just kidding, I haven’t washed my hair in weeks!

It’s a weird space of anticipation, as you are totally unprepared + as prepared as you possibly can be… Bags are packed, I listened to you + got a dark robe, that I’m obsessed with, from @shoppinkblush, and while I appreciate the advice, I have decided to forgo the snacks bc they don’t make it 4hrs in my bag before I eat them all, like we’re in some kind of apocalypse! But, I wanted to check in bc I see you checking in on us, thank you💚and to let you know that we’re all on #babyraymer watch… even us! xok

August 11, 2017 // 36w 6d

One of my girlfriends asked, will you be sad when this is over…

Yes. I don’t even want to think about not being pregnant anymore. It’s like going your whole life, knowing you’re magick + then seeing + then feeling that magick manifest right before your eyes. And, you’re looking at the rest of the world, like do you see this shit! I am fucking Magick
pc // @roxannebellamy

August 9, 2017 // 36w 4d

Lots… LOTS, of you tagged me + sent me rainbow baby maternity shoot ideas, and while I’m so grateful for the thought, it wasn’t for us. The miscarriages will always be part of my story, not hers. I will always carry the experiences with me, mourn the losses + live in gratitude for the way they changed me… catapulted me really, into who I am today, but they won’t be how her story starts.

She’s not coming into this world to fill a hole or bridge loss + life. Her mission is unknown! But, I do know that I didn’t want to start her off by tying any of her identity to something that is not hers to carry.

Once she gets here, she will no longer be #rainbowbabyraymer. That is my creation as way to catalog this moment for me + make it easy for others who need it, to follow our journey. Who knows how I will track her journey… ok, maybe I know!

But, I’m so grateful for all the love you’ve shown us (I’m ugly crying like a MF right now) on this journey, from the tags, to the kind messages + comments, all the double taps, and all the love felt from miles + miles away. Thank you💚

August 7, 2017 // 36w 2d

packing the bag

August 6, 2017 // 36w 1d

36 weeks + waiting…

My whole pregnancy has been reaching and celebrating milestones + small victories. It’s how I stayed sane, fought the fear, and remained in the moment. #pregnacyafterloss

My shower was the last milestone before birth. I had it on my 36 weeks anniversary + I’m officially 9 months, and so now… we just wait on baby girl. And, as my last guests left, I broke the fuck down bc I didn’t anticipate these last couple of weeks, days, and moments, to be the most intense + the hardest. But waiting on the single moment that will change your life the most + forever, is emotional + overwhelming as fuck!

So new plan, y’all know I need a plan: create a list of days I think she’ll come, then nest + rest.

• Aug 7th// To-fucking-day people. It’s Scoob’s bday #foreverscoob (that is James best friend who passed 5yrs ago + their guardian angel), a full moon + partial lunar eclipse. Lots of juju going on today!
• Aug 13 // James Raymer’s bday + he swearrsssss it’s the day.
• Aug 21 // New moon. And, yes I know it’s the solar eclipse, but our connection to the light is the moon + not the sun, so I don’t see the eclipse being a factor to her birth. Unless she is a sun goddess… *prays for curls, melanin + that she’s a moon goddess
• Sept 10 // My mother’s bday. My mother was born on her grandmother’s bday + she was born on her grandmother’s bday…. It’s a thing in my coven, I mean family

August 6, 2017 // 36w 1d

Cheers to the women who hold us down. The ones who give us the space to be all the things that make us whole. The ones we call home + the ones here for the journey.

Cheers to the women who support us in all our endeavors. The ones who believe in all we do + who are authenticity spreading our truths.

Cheers to the amazing women we meet along the way, the ones we admire from afar + the ones we end up taking in as our own.

Cheers to the women who inspire us + catapult us into greatness.

Cheers to the loves of my life💚. The ones who are always there + know how to help a girl throw the classiest baby shower servin fried chicken + mimosas, this side of the Mason-Dixon line.

August 4, 2017 // 35w 6d

Maternity Shoot Magic

pc // @roxannebellamy

August 2, 2017 // 35w 4d

Taking a lot of breaks today. I figure it’s best I break before my water or my heart does!

I get it now… this is the point when women say, “Enough. I’m done being pregnant. My body is DONE + I’m ready to have this baby!” I’m tired. I haven’t really slept in like 2 weeks + I’m uncomfortable. I’m so fucking uncomfortable. And, I’m hot + huge + emotional. Did I mention I’m hot?

I know it’s near. I can feel the changes in my body… making a way. And still, I am not ready. I’m doing my best to sit in the discomfort, push through the overwhelming emotions that come with the lasts + not wish away the time, but it’s hard. So, I’m taking breaks bc my body may be ready, but I am not.

July 31, 2017 // 35w 2d

Before we got pregnant, we had a trip to Cuba planned for March. Safe to say, that trip was one of the first things from my former life to get thrown out the window. And I’ve watched alllllll of you go + bitterly, I have double tapped your pix

So when it came time to pick a babymoon destination, the bitterness returned bc Zika has all the beautiful places on lock down + I’m not spending money to cross the pond… and not drink the drink. No way, not ever. So, knowing that I needed a beach, without Zika + brackish water, and warm enough to go under, it left only one real option… South Florida. Having lived there, I was reluctant to spend my last child-free vacation there, but as you well know… the universe be knowing what we need.

It was the perfect trip, minus some serious sleep deprivation bc of a growth spurt + the inability to get comfortable, AT ALL! So, before we left Miami yesterday, I walked out to the balcony to say thank you + goodbye, and I began to cry bc I will be different when I return.

And, I continued to cry… all day bc (hormones) we are always changing + moments are always fleeting. I feel like my whole life has been in transition, and I keep wanting + waiting for the transition to end, and to feel settled, for the moment to last… and yesterday I realized that will never happen. The moment we are comfortable means it is time to move on, time for the next moment, time to grow, time to change… again. Each time I have returned to Miami, I have been different + each time has been beautiful, my life has been beautiful… I have been beautiful. The next time I return, will be beautiful.

Get lost.
Find your way back
And, return to you
with each trip you take

Thank you Miami, for making me brave, for making me go under + for all the beautiful lessons, that have led right back to me. xok

July 29, 2017 // 35w

I always say I grew up in between Chicago + Miami. Chicago made me tough + Miami made me brave.

I moved here when I was 25, from Chicago, in a moving truck with my dog, Titan. We didn’t even have a place to live. We met a realtor the day we got here + signed a lease that day. In most cities I lived in, you needed first + last month’s. In miami, you need first, last + a security deposit. That took all my little savings + I was fucking broke. I ate Ramen every. day. all. day. I used to splurge on a $5 coffee + small bag of croissant from Paul’s just to experience the energy. Then I got a job as a bartender, made rent in one night, turned into a hustler, became part of the energy + never looked back.

In Miami, I learned how to demand my worth and walk away from situations + people that abused it. In Miami, I stopped caring about labels put on women who do wtf they want + when + how they wanna do it. In Miami, I did a lot of crazy shit… In Miami, I walked away from the only scary relationship I’ve ever been in. And, I left Miami bc I was finally brave enough to commit to a relationship that took me to the next city, to the next chapter.

I’m grateful to have been in both my cities while pregnant. I hope my daughter goes far + wide to find herself. I hope she finds a city to make her tough, a city to make her brave + all kinds of cities to do crazy shit in.

July 27, 2017 // 34w 5d

Before I got pregnant, I worried about the dumbest shit. I hated the idea of getting the linea nigra. I thought it was so ugly! But, what are ya gonna do… just like most women shit on the table, most women get the linea nigra.

I got mine pretty quick + ya know what, I loved it right away + I loved it even more, as it made its way towards my heart. I will miss it, along with almost everything else about being pregnant. Everyone keeps saying, “I bet you’re ready for this to be over!” But, I’m not. I could be pregnant for at least another 3 months.

I even thought about being a surrogate! I mean, I’ll pass on the lightning crotch, the constipation + the big titties, but everything else is beautiful. Let’s reconnect on this after I push a human out my vagina, ok

July 25, 2017 // 34w 3d

We’re about to be somebody’s parents…

We keep asking each other, “can you believe she’s gonna be here in X weeks???” Its surreal + my analytical mind keeps trying to grasp the concept, but is totally unable.

One day, I’m gonna be like, “OH SHIT. IT’S HAPPENINNNNNNG!” And the next day, our whole lives will be different + these moments will become distant memories, as new memories are being made. And, I will look back on them like I look back at the girl who was a dancer, like someone I used to know…

These lasts are overwhelming, complex, beautiful + utterly bittersweet

July 24, 2017 // 34w 2d

The one thing I wanted more than anything while being pregnant, was to bring my girl to the beach. I wanted to take her in + take her under.

I believe in the water + it’s power to calm the mind, heal the heart, cleanse the spirit, and make all things new. I have been craving this baptism for 8 months. It is everything + more

July 23, 2017 // 34w 1d

Special girl
Real good girl
Biggest thing in my itty bitty world

Spent the morning sharing some of James Raymer’s favorite NWA lyrics with babygirl 😉

July 22, 2017 // 34w

Babymoon magic

July 19, 2017 // 33w 4d

A couple years back, a group of my girls called me a porta potty… stay with me. They consider themselves hot tubs, where everyone is welcome, and can come + go as they please. One big party! They let me know that I am not one big party lol. You may have to wait for my attention, and only one person is going in + coming out at a time. I accept this. I am a porta potty, albeit a VERY CLEAN porta potty!

So, you wouldn’t think that I have a big tribe/village, but I do. And, I’m not sure how it happened bc my father’s absence made love, trust, and “family,” complex + hard. No one inherently gets my love or trust. That is all earned + can be taken away, just as it was given. But, here I am with this large group of women that I call home.

I’m having a shower, but you know how those go.. quick + busy, busy, busy! So, in true porta potty fashion, I made sure that I had individual moments with each of the women in my tribe before #rainbowbabyraymer gets here + my story becomes her-story. I told her about each of the women + how we met + why they are special. And, this past weekend was another “last” as I finished up all my one-on-one visits. The past 8 months have been a beautiful reminder of how lucky I am to have this amazing group of women in my corner. And, how lucky she will be to have them too.

July 17, 2017 // 33w 2d

I still can’t believe I’m pregnant. I ask my husband like every day, “can you believe we’re pregnant?!” I know I am VERY much pregnant, and this weekend was the first time I reallyyyyyy felt pregnant. [NOTE: Don’t paint all day + then think you can attend a bday party, in heels, at 33 weeks, and not feel like a train hit you.] But, it still feels surreal. For a while, I had accepted that I may never be pregnant, that we wouldn’t have kids, and while I was ok with that, I stayed open.

Same with my marriage. I never even wanted to be married! I couldn’t imagine liking someone enough to work with, grow with + spend each day with. And while I was good with that, I stayed open. Now, I’ll see my husband doing something wonderful + I’ll look around our beautiful house, and feel overwhelmed with gratitude + disbelief, that this is my very beautiful life.

As a water sign who goes to the depth of every emotion, the homestretch of this pregnancy is almost too much for me. It’s like watching PS I Love You, on repeat! All the feels, everyday. I’m glad I’ve taken so many pictures + documented it so heavily. I’ll be able to relive it over + over again, like I do my engagement + wedding… for those moments when I can’t believe how lucky I am, and that this is my very beautiful life💚.

Stay open luvvhers, wide open. It’s the only way the light gets in. xok

July 12, 2017 // 32w 4d

When I was home, I wore a similar outfit, and the girl (my niece) made a face + said, “mom, look at aunt Kenya’s outfit!”

I asked what’s wrong with my outfit + she said I was showing too much. I said, “Oh. Little girl, you ain’t seen nothing yet!”

Listen. Linda. Honey. It’s hot AF out here. You’re lucky I’m in clothes, period. You betta catch all this life I’m serving in this tiny ass bralette. You’re welcome!

July 3, 2017 // 31w 2d

When I was 25 going on 26, I moved to Miami to dance for the Heat. I was the 3rd oldest woman on the team + was surrounded by 18/19/20 year olds, who thought 26 was old. I quickly fell into the mama role + earned my most beloved nickname, Mama Kin.

And when I left the team 3 years later, I had acquired a small group of women who will forever be family. I have given advice on advice on advice, I held their hands + wiped tears (both mine + theirs) when the world hurt them, I told them to get their shit together and to love themselves (period) + then to love themselves harder, I scolded their boyfriends who are now husbands, and the very best part… I have watched them grow into women + set this world on fire.

They were practice ground for the role I’m about to step into. And, I’m forever grateful for all the lessons + love we’ve shared, and I’m especially grateful for this 24 hour trip she took to be part of my journey to motherhood, to love on Walli+ to scare James Raymer with our witchy way. Love you Nikks, to the moon + back

July 2, 2017 // 31w 1d

Choosing myself
was the bravest thing I’ve ever done.
Choosing James was the most important.
Choosing her was the hardest,
but the most beautiful.

xok

June 30, 2017 // 30w 6d

Do you remember being born?
Are you thankful for the hips that cracked?
The deep velvet of your mother
and her mother
and her mother?
Warsan Shire

June 29, 2017 // 30w 5d

Met with my postpartum doula @exbreastyourself today to map out our great adventure!

Not gonna lie, it took me about 5 months to get on board with a postpartum doula. Ignore everything you think you know about me, I’m a very private person with LOTS of boundaries. So, I really wasn’t sure if I was going to be comfortable with someone new in my private space, at such an important + pivotal moment in our lives. But, it all came down to the amazing things that she can offer my family once #rainbowbabyraymer gets here + those things are well worth me stepping out of my comfort zone… a lil bit

Her role will to be make sure that James + I get as much bonding time with RBR, as possible. She will help wash bottles, do laundry, prep meals, create + oversee a visitation schedule (make sure everyone washes their damn hands!) + anything else that we feel we should be doing instead of being with RBR. She will help reduce any anxiety that I have around breastfeeding, also eliminating trips back + forth to lactation specialists. She will help me create moments for James + RBR to bond exclusively, and she will do things that James feels are “his job” (cleaning + taking care of me) so that he gets to relish in those first moments too. And, she will be there so James + I can have moments that don’t revolve around RBR. She will be there to (help… she’s only human) make sure I don’t cuss everyone the fuck out + that we all make it out of those first beautiful, but potentially stressful, first moments as parents.

Y’all send up a prayer for my girl Kristin, she has NO idea what she has gotten herself into

June 26, 2017 // 30w 2d

30 weeks. Highly irritable. Emo as fuck.

I need to be in a bubble + if I’m being honest, even the puppy can’t come. Everything he does gets on my damn nerves. Same for the rest of the world. And, when I’m done bitching, guaranteed I’m bout to cry about it too. The only person allowed in my bubble is the food delivery person… welcome, my one true love + the only person who really gets me💚.

I’m starting to see other pregnant chics deliver their babies, and I’m not fucking ready. I’m not ready to expose my daughter to the shit that is this world… but I can’t live like this much longer either, well not without casualties.

So with that, I surrender.
I am looking forward to however much time I have left with her, just us.
I am looking forward to our babymoon. Where the water will wash this world off me + my spirit, hopefully cleansing my fucked up attitude.
I am looking forward to the most important thing I’ll ever do.
I am not looking forward to pushing a human out of my vagina.

June 25, 2017 // 30w 1d

I will teach my daughter to use her voice, loudly + unapologetically.

June 20, 2017 // 29w 3d

My calling in life is to use my voice + share my story. The hardest part about my calling is hearing all the heartbreaking journeys that you are on. I want to save you from all of them, to take your pain + to heal your hearts, but that is not my job, it is yours.

The journey back to self, after pregnancy loss, is hard, lonely + exhausting. And, while this journey is one you must travel alone… breaking + changing in ways you never wanted or expected. You are not alone in your experience. I am here. We are here….sending you love, petitioning the universe for your peace of mind + an open, healing heart, and hoping you find the light.

The very best part of my calling is to see you make it to the other side, whatever that looks like… Thank you for sharing your journeys with me, and may you not be afraid of the dark as you move towards the light

June 19, 2017 // 29w 2d

The last time I will see her before I have a child of my own + I miss her already…

She had me when she was 16, and my brother + sister shortly after. She had all three of us naturally, because she is a G, and she raised all of us on her own. Now, she is raising 3 more (fosters), because she is one of the best humans there is.

While she always knew where we were + what we were up to, she wasn’t a helicopter mom. She couldn’t be, she was busy making shit happen. She let us set our own boundaries, make our own decisions, and make our own mistakes. And, just like when I was a child, she is letting me find my own way with this pregnancy + how I approach motherhood. She doesn’t call + tell me what to do or how I should be preparing, and I know that she will afford me the same freedom once #rainbowbabyraymer gets here.

She is confident that I will find my way + just like when I was a child, her believing in me is all I need to know that I will do just that. I am my mother’s daughter, and I hope to be a mother that my mother + my daughter are proud of.

June 17, 2017 // 29w

We flew to another state to include family, got stuck in 2hours of traffic + streamed in the rest of the fam… only for her to keep her hands by her face, THE ENTIRE SESSION + stick her tongue out at us, 5 times. She seems pretty pleased with herself.

June 15, 2017 // 28w 5d

Someone asked how I felt about the snap back + mamas getting back to their pre-baby bodies so quickly. My answer: whatever is best for mom, is best. Period.

If someone is used to looking a certain way + getting back to the way they used to look or being in a physical space in which they are comfortable helps them feel stable in this very fragile moment in life, I say that’s best.

If someone wants to be still in the moments that follow birth, honor the natural process + allow their body to take new shape on its own, as they have always done or maybe are choosing to do for the first time, I say that’s best too.

Is the snap back for everyone? Nope.
Is that ok? Yep.
I’ve been fit my whole life. It has been weird + at times difficult, to watch the transformation my body is going through. I think it’s amazing + I LOVE my bump + I will really miss it when it’s gone; but at first, the weight gain was a total mind fuck! And, I’m sure that once it’s safe, I will begin working with my trainer to get back to the body I once had. That is where my comfort lies + I have no shame in wanting to be in that space again.

But, there is a lot of shaming going on. A lot. I am constantly seeing posts where moms are defending their right to snap back + share their journey, and those posts are full of shaming comments. I look at this issue the same way I look at all issues pertaining to pregnancy + motherhood + LIFE: some shit just ain’t your business. And, if it isn’t your business + no one asked you, send love or keep it moving. Easy.

People who have a hard time minding their own, are not comfortable with self + they don’t work their shit out. In attempts to find comfort + validation, they project, they tear down, or they position themselves in a place of knowledge/status/power. It sucks to see women go through this + at the hands of other women nonetheless. I’m not worried about it happening in my space, bc we have an understanding. But, if you should find yourself in another woman’s space + about to comment on what she is doing with her life… and she didn’t ask you. STOP! Keep it moving or better yet, work your shit out… in your own space, of course.

June 14, 2017 // 28w 4d

we are like rings on a tree,
constantly out growing who we used to be.// xok

June 11, 2017 // 28w 1d

Emotional morning at the Raymer’s. Literally. I woke up ugly crying bc (hormones) we only had two pictures of us together during this pregnancy. And, I was upset that there wouldn’t be photos of who we used to be, right before #rainbowbabyraymer. He patted me on the back and said “there, there” bc he has the emotional capacity of paint… and then he snapped this pic of us going through old keepsakes, random shit, and pieces of our stories… who we used to be.

He found an old mixer, a blow up doll, THEEE leather jacket (whatever that means), and pics of him with hair + Scoob. I found all my old Delta + Miami Heat stuff, pics of me when I was hot + young, and a box labeled “baby.” It was a journal, some onesies, and baby blankets that I had packed up after my first miscarriage. I ugly cried some more, and he hugged me, “there, there.”

We threw out stuff that no longer served us + then we packed it all back up again, lighter. One day, our daughter will unpack the pieces of our story + she will see this picture, the blow up doll, and that box labeled baby. She will put together the pieces of our story, create her own idea of who we used to be, keep what serves her + then she will pack up, lighter.

Pack
Unpack
Pack, lighter

June 5, 2017 // 27w 2d

The last week of the 2nd trimester… yes, here I go with the “lasts” again.

Let me just say, I am not ready.
I am not ready.
I am not ready.
I am not ready.
I need like 20 more weeks… of the 2nd tri lol. I need 20 more weeks of her safe, in here, away from the world. I need 20 more weeks of having her all to myself. I need 20 more weeks of this moment. It’s all going by too fast.

This will be our only child, so this will be my only full-term pregnancy + as rough as it started, and as rough as some days are… and dear gawd, they are rough! I would do this again, in a heartbeat. I really do love being pregnant. I feel stronger + more beautiful.
I feel like magick.
I will miss this magick.
I need 20 more weeks of this magick

May 26, 2017 //  25w 6d

..have a baby, even if the world is crazy. // j. legend

Hands down, the hardest part of this pregnancy has been protecting our world, from the world. And for a while, I let this crazy world give me pause to having children, because who wants to raise them in a space where chaos is ensuing all around us, hate is everywhere, and it’s being justified by politics, religion, and generation.

It has been hard to distance myself from the reality taking place in our world, in our country, and even in our family… I often feel guilty for checking out, but I want a peaceful pregnancy. I want to enjoy this moment. And, I deserve both of those things.

So when the world feels too crazy, I remind myself that our world is my main priority. And sometimes, that means taking a step away from family, from people, and from situations that don’t have our best interest at heart. Just because the world is crazy, doesn’t mean our world has to be… not yet anyways.

May 21, 2017 //  25w 1d

Last road trip…
before I’m a new version of me
before my life drastically changes.
before this chapter closes.

Yep… I’m one of those “this is the last…” people. I can’t help it. I see the moments coming + I see them going, and I can’t help but honor them.

There are moments that are over before we even notice they began. There are moments that are gone before we’re ready for them to go. There are moments that are taken from us all together. And there are moments… beautiful, complex, bittersweet moments… moments that we are ready to walk away from, but are still hard to say goodbye to. This is one of those moments.

On the way home, the sun was shining bright and I couldn’t help but smile. And right after this photo, I couldn’t help but ugly cry bc (hormones:) I realized there are only 14 more weeks before #rainbowbabyraymer gets here and while I’m ready for the next chapter, I am in the midst of “lasts.” I thought of all the road trips that came before and I was filled with gratitude… for this moment + for all the moments that led to this beautiful, complex, and bittersweet last💚.

May 20, 2017 //  25w

mom cut

May 18, 2017 // 24w 5d

Taking my girl to her first concert, John Legend

May 12, 2017 // 23w 6d

When we were ttc, I was so adamant about not being pregnant in the summer. I didn’t wanna be a hot, sweaty bitch!

As we know, the universe is gonna do what it do, and here I am… hot, sweaty + bitchy! But, I’m super grateful the universe knows what’s best bc I would be so bummed if I was pregnant in winter and wasn’t able to be naked, flaunt my belly, and as James says, “post pregnant thirst traps!”

Trust the universe + be honest with yourself. And, if I’m being honest, we all know the winter would not have kept me from being bitchy! Happy Friday luvvhers

May 8, 2017 //  23w 2d

I always see pregnant chics posing so beautifully like this, how!! I struggggggled just to get this shot + I don’t know if I’m gonna be able to get up. If you don’t see any more posts or stories from me today, I’m stuck & someone needs to tag my husband for help!

We are 23 weeks, that’s almost 6 months for normal people who don’t count in weeks! And, we’re doing pretty good. I’m feeling much better. I’m finally cashing in on that energy + glow everyone promised would hit in the 2nd tri, and I would say I’m up to 4/7 good days! The fainting spells seemed to have passed (thank gawd) & Walli + I are back to our daily walks. It feels sooooo good + I hope to be back hiking… soon. Don’t tell James.

Everyone wants to know, can I feel her moving??? YES!! She puts on a nightly show from 11pm-12am + she is up most of the night making sure I pee, on the hour. She also moves around when Walli barks + its time to eat. I think we have another hangry girl on our hands. Poor James.

Thank you for all the love + kindness you share with me. And, for checking on us + wanting to know how we’re doing. You guys are the best internet aunties ever💚 xok.

May 2, 2017 // 22w 3d

I am going to teach her to point + scream STRANGER DANGER at the top of her lungs, at any person who tries to touch her hair. And after they’re good + mortified, I’m gonna call the police & do my best to get their white ass on attempted kidnapping. Wypipo you gone learn today…

April 29, 2017 // 22w

Bigly

April 20, 2017 // 20w 5d

I 💚 my rainbow mama tshirt by @ihadamiscarriage! I wear it almost every day + soon it won’t fit at all! For those of you who don’t know, a rainbow baby is the baby that comes after a miscarried baby. Hence, the hashtag #rainbowbabyraymer. And, I know some of you thought you were very clever + figured out her name, but I assure you, it is not Rainbow Raymer!

April 18, 2017 // 20w 3d

Pregnancy is crazy. I started having fainting spells at week 16. And after lots of tests, it turns out it’s just a pregnancy thing… I have really low blood pressure, that baby raymer makes even lower, which makes for some pretty scary moments. It happens.

It limits the things I can do and the vision I had for my pregnancy. You know… yoga in the morning, a 5 mile hike after lunch, hit an event after dinner, and then push this baby out like 1. 2. 3! Yea, no. On a good day, I can walk Walli a couple blocks without a spell, and if I’m lucky, I am able to make it to my porch on the 3rd floor. It’s been a hard adjustment, physically + mentally.

Sometimes I feel like a prisoner in my home + in my own body. I hate it. But, it is temporary and will give me ammunition when she tells me that I’m not her mother. “Save it little girl! A near-death experience says otherwise.” We all know, I didn’t almost die, but I feel as though I’ve earned the right to exaggerate. It also makes me appreciate the little things, like walks in beautiful weather + naps on my porch, all the more.

I knew pregnancy was about surrender, and even though it’s exactly what I wanted, petitioned the universe for, and had 50k+ of you vouch for in your prayers + chats with the universe (thank you💚)… honestly, it’s not been what I expected.

Each day is something new. Some days are gross, others are overwhelmingly beautiful, and in between it’s hard… like hard AF to surrender + make a human. So on this day, I’m sending love out to all the mamas who surrendered + who are surrendering. We the real MVPs!

photo // 17weeks

April 17, 2017 // 20w 2d

Halfway there

I can’t wait to meet her. I hope she is brassy, resilient + tough. I hope she is kind + generous, but makes everyone work for her love, her trust, her greatness. I hope she challenges me, at. every. turn. I hope she speaks up for herself, for what’s right, and for others. I hope she makes nothing easy, on anyone, and that she goes after everything she wants. I hope that everyone who meets her comments, not that she is beautiful, but that she is a force to be reckoned with.

I also hope Walli Raymer still loves me once she gets here!

April 15, 2017 // 20w

You already knew I was gonna rock a onesie + I can tell they are gonna be our thing. They are sooooo comfy!

April 14, 2017 //19w 6d

I touched my belly overwhelmed by what I had been chosen to perform… l.h.

And, y’all thought I stopped ugly crying to Zion! Psych, I can ugly cry to any song (hello hormones!). Tomorrow will be 20weeks. I don’t even know how we got here… how we got half-way there. I wish I could tell you that I’m over the hump and the days are fear-free, but they are not.

I still breakdown before every doctor appt. and beg the universe to hear her heartbeat. I still stop + hold my breath whenever I feel a cramp or pinch. And, I still have anxiety attacks in the shower, that at some point… the bottom will fall out.

I don’t think I’ll ever be on the other side of the hump again. I’ve seen + know too much to reside in that carefree space. And, that’s ok. While they aren’t fear-free, the days are no longer consumed with fear either. Small victory! Each day + each week, it gets easier. It gets easier rainbow mamas. Keep celebrating your small victories, keep breathing through the moments you feel overwhelmed, and keep touching that belly! Before you know it, we will be there. And, they will be here💚.

April 10, 2017 // 19w 2d

Me + my girl💚

We out here about to save the world! Kidding. We’re headed to Trader Joe’s, which requires the same amount of energy. I don’t think today is going to be one of my 2 days of greatness, but we gonna get cute, throw on our headphones, and do our very best not to leave a trail of dead bodies.

The dress is old school American Apparel & I used a safety pin to gather the bust. Yes, I just got my pregnant titties ouchea with no bra. Idc idc idc, and you’re welcome! You can kinda see my belly band, and its gonna have to do, bc it’s a MUST! And, my legs are hairy AF! But, babygirl won’t let me wear any pants over this belly, so this dress just gonna have to do. If you see me out, act like you don’t notice. Thanks mgmt.

Have a beautiful day!
Have an ok day!
Have a day where you just don’t kill nobody!
Just get through the damn day!
All the above is encouraged + celebrated round here! Happy Monday or whatever

April 9, 2017 // 19w 1d

2/7 days are good. I mean, 2 days a week I wake up & feel mentally + physically good all day. And, those days are… so, so, so good. I usually end up crying all day (because hormones) because I’m so in love, I’m so happy to feel good, and I’m so grateful.

This is me the the other 5 days a week… fucked up attitude, feeling awful, and wondering if these happy ass mamas that are filling these pregnancy pages with bumps + goosebumps are either lying ass heauxs, doing it for the gram, or are on one of their 2 days of greatness… or maybe my expectation of pregnancy was just wayyyyyy off.

Either way, I gots a problem. So, I’m listening to Bey on my porch to get some perspective & that’s a good look bc normally I’m just like, “how I’m pose to stop being crazy? How. How. How I’m gone stop?”

Also, I’m aware I should just be grateful, I am. And, in that same breath, I’m human💚.

April 6, 2017 // 18w 5d

She woke me up at 4am to eat pizza. James Raymer’s genes are strong 💪🏽.
PleaseLetHerGetMyMelanin
PleaseLetHerGetMyCurls
PleaseLetHerGetMySideye

And when I couldn’t fall back asleep, I began to scroll the gram, duh. Where I found that my new blogger crush, gave her daughter my perfect baby name! What’s a girl to do?!

Do I…
A. Keep the name bc it’s perfect + I love it.
B. Do I divorce my husband for making light of this situation, find a new baby daddy + a find a new perfect baby name???

April 5, 2017 // 18w 4d

My heart is busting at the seams with gratitude. Yes, for the space I’m in, but I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my heart. I’m grateful for my resilient heart. Each time it’s been broken… each time I’ve been broken, I have found a way to give away those pieces, in hopes that we all heal and find our way back home, find our way here.

I’ve seen a lot of warnings to, “bend not break,” but I have no shame in my broken heart or broken moments. Don’t be afraid to break. Your heart is resilient and you will find a purpose for those pieces. You will find your way back home.

Wishing you love, wishing you light, on all your journeys, especially the one home.
xok

April 4, 2017 // 18w 3d

The future is female

April 3, 2017 // 18w 2d

The time is near!

Full Disclosure: I have had 3 dreams that’s it’s a boy and an overwhelming feeling that it’s a boy. Two things keeps me from believing it’s a boy…
1. I did a reading (tarot) + the result was strong: Girl.
2. The baby is a bit of an ass. And by a bit, I mean level: Kanye.

We had a chance to find out the sex 2 weeks ago, with no cooperation. The baby actually stretched out its long ass legs (another asshole move Bc I feel that) and pressed them together so we could see, nothing! Then the baby turned it’s back on us. After 10 minutes, the doc was like sorry guys, next time. I feel like boys are generally easy + it’s the girls who are a bit of an ass, so now you see my internal conflict on deciding one way or another

Baby Raymer willing… we will know tomorrow!

February 22, 2017 // 12w 4d

It’s magic and real, at the same time

I’ve been waiting for this moment. I had markers + with each one, I celebrated my small victory.
6w no bleeding {breathe}
7w see heartbeat {breathe}
9w no bleeding {breathe}
12w see baby {breathe}

However, yesterday didn’t seem so small. My doctor wanted to use the fetal doppler and I asked for an elective u/s (ultrasound) instead. I’m glad I did. Peace of mind is priceless.

I was reminded of where I started this journey, in a doctor’s office where I was too broken & afraid to ask any questions, let alone advocate for myself. If you are surviving recurrent miscarriages, struggling through ttc, or counting each small victory of your pregnancy after miscarriage, you will need to learn to speak up. You need to find your voice and use it to ask questions, all the questions, and then advocate for yourself. Do not leave your journey in your doctor’s hands. Not all doctors will understand your journey. Find the ones that do & then advocate, advocate, advocate. You are worth the fight💚

January 25, 2017 // 8w 4d

About to take my 8 weeks bumpie! That’s like a selfie, for your bump, but I won’t have a bump for a while. I’m just bloated, so yea…

Thank you so very much for all the comments, kind words, and well wishes💚. I read every. single. one. before FB took the video down for copyrights… don’t get me started.

I knew as soon as we got pregnant, we would share the good news, despite it being taboo. Fear during this pregnancy, may be something I can’t truly ever shake, but it will not be something I give into. And, I really did manifest the shit out of this, and you were part of that manifestation. I called upon you, your mamas, and your aunties too for all the good juju + magic you could spare. And, you came through. We all deserve to celebrate.

Thank you for all the love + for having my little family’s back. It means the world to me. Of course, I will be sharing + answering all the questions, soon. xok

January 23, 2017 // 8w 2d

I believe in magic

song | the night me + your mama met // childish gambino